When 'being nice' is the mask; why you can't just stop people pleasing.
The mask nobody notices
Are you the one who always says yes? The one who checks everyone else is okay, makes things right, and never makes a fuss?
People probably say you're kind, thoughtful, easy-going. And you are. But sometimes, underneath all that helpfulness, there's a niggling feeling that you're not quite sure who you are, or what you want, once everyone else has been looked after.
You may have heard the word "masking". It means hiding parts of yourself so you fit in or stay safe. It's often talked about in terms of autism or ADHD, but it can show up for anyone who's felt they didn't belong. And for many people, the mask doesn't feel like a mask at all. It feels like you're just being nice.
How it starts
Nobody decides to become a people pleaser. It usually starts with something.
Maybe you were told you were too much. Too loud, too sensitive, too different. You learned that the real you got a bad reaction, so you pushed it away and became helpful, polite and agreeable instead. It was safer.
Or maybe you never really got the chance to find out who you are. You may have started to look after other people as a child. Maybe you were given a role and praised for it. Focusing on everyone else was easier and gave you structure. And sometimes it's just easier to go along with what others want, so you don't stand out.
Why you can't just stop
If people pleasing is getting you down because you're always sacrificing yourself, you may have already seen advice like "just put yourself first" or "learn to say no." but I know it's not that easy.
That mask has done a crucial job. It's kept you safe. It's given you approval from others. It's helped you avoid judgement, conflict or rejection. Letting go of something that's protected you for years is frightening.
It can also feel like the mask is who you are. If you stop being the helpful one, then who are you? Putting your own needs first might feel selfish, wrong, or like you're letting people down. None of that means you're doing it wrong. It means the mask has been working hard for a very long time.
What gets lost
The trouble is, when you spend years putting yourself last, your own voice gets quieter and quieter. Your needs, your opinions, even the things you enjoy start to disappear into the background.
Many people come to me feeling exhausted, disconnected, or as though they don't recognise themselves any more. They've become so good at being what others need that they've lost touch with who they are underneath.
A gentle way out
The good thing is: you don't have to stop being caring. Your kindness is real, and it's worth keeping.
Unmasking isn't about tearing the mask off. It's about slowly adding yourself back in. That might look like:
- pausing before you say yes, and noticing what you actually want
- working on phrases like "that's not for me" or "I'd rather not"
- choosing something just because you like it
- noticing when you're tired, and resting before you're running on empty
Small steps, at your own pace. Like a tortoise poking its head out of its shell, a little at a time, when it starts to feel safe.
How counselling can help
Counselling can be one of the few places where you don't have to look after anyone else. Not even me. You don't have to be polite, or helpful, or say the right thing. You can just be you, and be properly listened to.
Together we can explore where the mask came from, what it's been protecting you from, and who you are underneath it. There's no rush, and no pressure to get it right.
You are not the problem. You learned to survive in a world that didn't always make room for you. Now you get to find out who you are when you're not busy keeping everyone else happy.
If this sounds familiar, I'd love to hear from you.